PUKRZ ZONE

the blog of disconnection

i have not touched this page in almost a year. I am rather non-committal with any other project other than my visual art. my paintings.. unfortunate.... i studied css in college... havent touched it since. i hope i can make this page into something whenever i feel like it... make this a vertical blog, divs separating blogpost... keep it simplistic as if its a diary... a rather ugly html concoction. i wrote this in an aside tag, then deleted the aside.

it has been a year+

i have 7 days to memorise an entire textbook for my exam. im not worried because i am currently at an A and i need at least 6% to pass the class with 75%. lolll... increased the course load next semester to 3 classes.... so i will have to be studious.

im a bit of a perfectionist so I'd like to maintain a high grade.... so im stressed by the prospect of cramming regardless of passing swimmingly

i set the bar high for myself and one day it wont be realistic anymore

good desember

i did my exam today and i passed. i was in denial because sometimes im convinced i dont know shit. i have a retard complex

anyway.... i drank an apple cider. i'm tired because i've been cramming and fighting off the plague. andrenal fatigue <3

persona melting

i cant really mask at work anymore, lost my professionalism because i dont feel real behind the cubicle. lost any fuchs to give because it feels rather meaningless and thankless work... its just padding inbetween the manifestation of my greatness... in 4 years

the alcohol last week dehydrated me because i became sick with some sort of respitory infection... i am now beating it. I suspect my immune system can no longer hold up anymore after contracting the ch1n4 f1u 2-4 times.

i become a child when im sick, but i have no mom to tuck me in anymore. im 25. ive become my own mother. i cried in the shower in a rather hideous way. the pouring water served as matriarchal [redacted 09/16/2024] hands. im slowly getting better, this bout of illness let up without antibiotics. i was sick the entirety of last year and did not allow to let myself recover...

i hate december and all things 12th month of the year

i feel a little crazier around this time of year. and Im actively trying to maintain my life. i feel like i sometimes need to sacrifice my energy for cooking to give to studying. i don't think this post will be very coherent because this is my space not to be coherent lol :)

i have been confronting the evils of the school system lately and what kind of massive gaslight the entire thing is

you get kinda treated retarded, however, I don't think I am extremely retarded. I think I may just have to learn differently and the curriculum is very one-size fits all. I don't think i've struggled with language because my writing style outside of my blog and personal messages are very proficient. I speak 3 languages, 2 moreso. My areas of struggle have been math and sciences.

im going to funeral school in part because I am trying to beat the retard allegations and make the most optimized and functional life. I have to make it an autistically inclined mission. i am teaching myself being a student from scratch because no adult has taught me how genuinely.

i'm an adult

i'm an adult. i'm an adult.

i can run a whole self-sustainability psyop on myself. i can also run the pious psyop or traditional christian psyop on myself. the true thing i want is a beautiful life with abundance in family, and a life with rewarding work. But i also want one with peace, one without cortisol poisoning of the blood

vulnerability

today was my last therapy session.

happy new 2025

holy fuc

nigga im nuts

i have been so obsessed with the idea of purging and getting rid of things. I want to get rid of useless stuff that i dont need and stress me out. like my extra pillows and anime stuff. i stopped caring about weeaboo shit and i feel like it still haunts me for it is stuff thats takng up space.

i've been wanting to get rid of certain social medias or accounts or online friends because i reached a level of exhaustion. on some level being friends with men online feels like a chore and an emotional fidelity hazard. It is so because I feel 95% of the men have some sort of subconscious motive towards women. Its inherent and it feels undesirable to be around if I am being supplemented with this from my boyfriend. part of me has always been somewhat of a lifestyle sex segregationist. i think the gerard incident i experienced when i was a awkward fat psuedo-ftm teenager probably shaped me to think like this

right now i just want rhe only man to be demanding my attention is my beloved moid. i dont know if thjats unhealthy

it probably is but i think changing these views dont serve me any real pupose. i desire a life where majority of my friendships are with women. i sometimes wish the simplicity of remaining anonymous still existed, but I've nade sonme wonderful friends online. For some of them, these feelings override attachment, and i do feel sorry about that in a way. Ultimately, online frinedships will always be somewhat parasocial, and to a certain extent, they are more disposable

im just kind of a hateful wench.

i think the curse of mankind is one of the best black metal albums. it's filled with sometimes heavy riffs but also beautiful melodies. I am not really a wordsmith in my reviews but it is genuinely a solid staple within my mental black metal catalog. every song is beautiful. theres some really nice drumming in there too

im wrong

feelin kinda yuck. i think my antibiotics and caffeine pill are committing severe terror on my gut lining right now.

i think my last post was interesting and in many ways wrong. i went out to see Nosferatu with my boygroid <3 and we had some chicken wings beforehand. It has come to my attention he has a lot of female friends, he is a very social guy. When he was telling me about a particular friend and the fact he will hang with her on Saturday, I had to do some processing.

jealous people and those who are distrustful of their partner are unpalatable to me, and in ways, I am distrustful. I felt something averse because I was confronting the feelings mentioned in last entry, initially this arose as a suspicion about his positive standing with other women. I am nuts for wanting to throw out friendships because of my perceptions of sex dynamics. I think the men I talk to have good characters and can think outside of their penis, like my man can. And I'm dealing with a lot of projection about this

nuance can exist.

i think part of why i am coping so hard about any of this is because some of my male friends expressed interest in me, either covertly or overtly. The covert ones has always sworn it's not like that, and I make sure he knows how obsessed I am with my man. The overt one I rejected due to "i can't vulnerability" but the true reason is that I just didn't feel that bond. Because I am capable of vulnerability turns out. But Now i sort of feel evil and dont know how to bring up my boyfriend to him. I guess I hate hurting feelings, and the potential to do so sews a lot of fear within me. Instead of being mature and initiating conversation about this and re-establishing the friendship in a way, I am swearing off majority of my online male friends. This is true cowardice, and in ways an escape from enacting fidelity. Also, caring too much about their feelings like this is a "fidelity hazard" in its own way. In reality, I should be brandishing my boyfriend in conversation. I just can't keep on choosing avoidance

I am just reinforcing my avoidance with misandry and somewhat of an intense sex dynamic ideology.

I think i have to take responsibility for my social life

my new semester started and I am doing a physiology course. it is just an anatomy terminology course, studying for this is hellish because i think everything is important. i need to get to reading the entire proverbs 31 and writing my analysis. I need to continue my pamphlet project that I intended to be a christmas gift for my boyfriend. it will likey be his birthday gift now. i keep on settingn the standards higher. I wanted it to be a cookbook (or a bakebook) but as i realized how pre-passionate he is about his baking, i feel like the recipes i can provide will not be groundbreaking or useful. I need to set this aside though, because I think the dedication of illustrating and writing a recipe book is a gift in itself.

ok

i overthink a lot. everything is a big deal when it probably isn't. it will be the end of me if I don't ascend.

i feel withdrawn from people and things in general.

i've been enjoying writing on my blog and listening to music and studying?!?, thinking about protestantism, watching a lot of youtube slop like video essays about fat women with bad personalities and true crime. but ive been feeling kind of fed up with this constant stream of unsettling content, because my career revolves around death and bodily morbidity, and people. how constant should i be thinking about death and people. i've been creating and i guess that has been my refuge and my fundamental basis on coping with destruction. i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess!

i had a dream i went to africa and bargained for goods with locals. they were all not very dark. the country was called zgelba ngobo. the ganges river ran through it and it doesnt make a lot of sense. i went shopping there

my lips are so dry and burts bees is the only one chapstick that remotely helps. i've been licking/biting my lip skin and tis not good.

i think lust is a genuine demon i'm prone to battling (not related to my lip biting) and i am tired of being in a culture where this phenomenon cannot be genuinely recognized as problematic (i dislike the buzzwordiness of "problematic," but my point is understood.) i think it is good to practice sexual restraint and not make it a false idol. i think i want to be less lustful because i think that it will strengthen the friendship aspect within my romantic relationship. i genuinely get irritated when i don't meet some biology-set hanky panky quota, but i think thats kinda silly. i just like being around my male, and i need 2 stop being a bit of a mental gooner. lmao

fuck my retarded femoid life

its lascowiec and being a corpse nght. im so extremely tired and likely not pleasurable to talk to via text. all i can muster is making my internal dialogue the topic

i hate talking about christianity in relation to women to people because they go on diatribes about how women who were promiscuous but then following christ are demonic. i think this is contrary to the message of jesus. i was never promiscuous in body count but i have been in th soul.

god loves whores when they repent. i have compassion for women who turn to christ and repent from sin

i was gonna have a friend over and she forgot. i got really annoyed with trying to coordinate plans and blamed canadians. is it xenophobia to discriminate against your host country? #truehollandpatriot

im on a bunch of caffeine and a bit of weed. ive been thinking about brain health and dopamine lately. i started decreasing what i smoke in potency because i want to stop roasting my brain. i am going without next month, and avoiding ahnging out with people who tempt me indirecly with their smoking. social media has started feeling increasingly like a psychic soggy sock as well. i think im gonna spend my time crossstiching and watching some bideos

i'm exhausted today. i guess. i finished my antibiotics today at least. im gonna go hermit mode for the day. or night. i am nocturnal. sometimes i wonder if my QOL would be higher if i had a daytime schedule.
my body has been upset and mind has been distressed by waking up at 3 pm and still needing 3 hours of sleep to go. dramatic i guess but i feel like raw chicken

i think i am a very anxious girl. i sometimes get scared about scaring off my beloved with my internal dialogue rants. to some extent, it's negative self-talk because perhaps i just hate my inner voice, and i shouldn't. i think i am an abandonment fearer and extremely aware of it, and it is the reflection of my negative self-talk

the tear garden - the last man to fly

i just got done listening to this album for the ?th time and it never stops to be amazing and beautiful in many parts. thats all i wanted to say about this album, really. I just really like it

i am now listening to their song Ascension Day and i think this is a band i should invest more listening in. i smoked a 19% thc and i'm still kinda very high. ive just been sitting in my chair playing balatro while my skin sloughs off.

i will dabble in total sobriety (except caffeine) starting the day after tomorrow. ive decided on this some time now but the day is coming soon. i have been dabbling in courage latelyy. it feels kinda good, i am feeling more grown up. i turn 27 this year. the issues in my january 9th entry is no longer issue, and i solved it with courage. i have been thinking deeply on how i speak when i approach conversations not from an angle of fear, anxiety, and insecurity but one of self-assuredness and more carelessness, in a way. i realize you cant control how people react, and i can start willing myself to think of this as something liberating

i'm willing to lose friends or approval if im doing the rigjt thing.

when the brain hurts

i abtstained for a month, broke my weed fast yesterday. didn't get too much sleep. i'm very tired. today i was unable to mask as much and i'm sure i was pleasant

i'm doing lent.
i hung w my male today and i feel like i was meaner and testier. its suboncious. i don't intend my jokes mean spirited but maybe its some protective mechanism. i think i am anxious and overthinking but im hyperalert about whether im using old behaviours i had to in my last partnership.

i am just very hormonal right now

im gonna stop subjecting people to my internal melodrama so this blog is for that i guess

i legitimately am becoming increasingly self-absorbed nowadays. its like a lot of self-hatred switched off but along what went with it my will to deal with people anymore. I've built a mindset of "friend duty" but i am tired.

i like looking at myself a lot nowadays and partially because i spent a lot of time hating myself. something clicked in my head recently and i look in the mirror with admiration. i am very beautiful, objectively have a good facial structure. i also spent most of my time hurling hatred at my old self instead of recognizing this. i think awful things about past self and i am starting to think i am actively givingh myself psychic damage by continuing it. I still look old incarnations of myself and still deeply despise her, but thats instinctual and learnt.
i had a realization the other day that i think of myself around my boyfriend as annoying, because he is about the only person i am completely unmasked around. when i was this during the more formative teenage years, and a little before, i was often namecalled for this. or genuinely told not to act like that. i was often ocstracized from social groups in settings where the task was to make new friends. i think this hatred for myself was the hatred i heard from my peers when i was young.
i kind of hate my past self that had a higher bmi because for a very long time i felt like my likeability hinged on my beauty, and in ways i still kind of believe that. i am terrified of getting fat. if i were to become fat again, i wouldn't think good things about myself. the only positive traits i assign to myself at the moment are somewhat superficial. thats a start at least

i've been trying to expand on my friendship duty bit now for like 10 minutes on my shitty little bluetooth keyboardd connected to my shitty little samsung tablet. it's 8AM now, or it was, I've been fiddling with it for 10 minutes

honest to god if i were a book character, I would be insufferable to read sometimes i feel. i feel like a friend has recently checked out of my life because of this, because I genuinely felt comfortable to unmask around her. But i feel like i am quite unlikeable when i do. but my flaws stick out to me like a sore thumb, maybe she has good memories of me. maybe she hasn't reached out in a while because she is focused on her own life. but I don't know, i've subjected her to my brooding, my limerent ruminations, reared my ugly reactionary head in front of her. I miss her because i feel like she was one of the few people i;ve connected with, and a few people i don't withhold aspects of my personality from.
i've built a concept pf "friendship duty" a few years agp, where its my duty to regularly hang out with them [my less immediate friends]. but I have burnt out from them, partially because i might truly just not even like them that much. it's tiring to have to travel to see them. So much energy expediture only to withhold personality traits from them, or to entertain conversation that does not really stimulate me. i'm honestly really fake, and becoming burnt out from it. the only people i feel like i have remotely a duty to is my bestie, my boyfriend, and one other friend who has a playful and youthful demeanor.

recently, a friend has been reaching out to me and i'm just increasingly realizing i kind of despise her. she has made her own life difficult, and i can't find any sympathy. the last time i showed it, she wouldn't takw me up on an offer to let me cook a meal for her at my house, even though she was struggling and living at a women's shelter. Her reason? I live too far away. But she is expecting me to take an 1.5 hour bus ride to help her move to a new apartment. Her shitty boyfriend who impregnated her twice seems to be doing fuck all, and i'm sure she's probably moving to leave him. good for her, but i'm genuinely not feeling capable of being the village to raise her child and her fetus. She's kind of extremely tiring to be around. Never stops talking, and we're entirely dfferent people. I think i've come to dislike her so much because I can't keep it up anymore. i genuinely get so annoyed when she asks me to help her.

i'm honestly so bitter and nasty. i feel like i am increasingly self-absorbed and narcissistic, and unmasked friendships would heal me, but i feel a growing desire towards lonerdom. but this will only exacerbate my self-absorption and narcissism. I'm simultaneously so beautiful and interesting, but also the most caustic and insufferable person alive. And It's not a me that i'm proud to share with the world, but i'm sick of hiding aspects of myself.

contemplation deserving of a separate post

i think the allure of authoritarianism and fascism to me has been a reflection of my own self-villainisation. I've always felt wicked and like a bad person. To have it reflected in a system, propaganda, a set of morals, a set of idealism, a worship of becoming something greater and more pure, and a free expression of negativity and antiism is cathartic.
it's a self-flaggelation and ideological sadomasochism that regulates me. ultimately, it isn't authentic but i brand myself to it. misery attracts the miserable

jfmsu

i dont even know what to say

theres no greater cosmic horror than being alive right now

To feel some heartbreak suspended in ambiguity. Once again I am met with a new self-sacrifice, to be broken and remolded.

Sacrifice is only noble if there is something to gain, I don't know if I am with someone who would do the same. I don't know if I'm actually loved. The man I thought I knew doesn't really exist at the moment, and there is something deeply terrifying about this.

I am grieving as if it died, because my certainty and perception of him did.

it all is truly horrid

I have been listening to nothing but the same Death in June album over and over. Listening to the same song and monologueing on the internet about neefolk albums is the only thing keeping me tethered to this world, i think otherwise i would get lost in a soup of grief

Nothing about the care and affection, and the minimum of the commitment he shows me feels authentic anymore. What i am shown just feels like a consolation attempt, like buying a lollipop for an abandoned baby. An extra portion on the plate for the slave that had just been whipped

decreasingly human

typing fhis from my phone. generally i prefer neocities via desktop, or tablet and keyboard in a pinch. but i just want to confide. excuse my typing errors in advance

i took an antihistamine before bed and its kicking in like rivht now... there's a chance I'll fall asleep midwriting

the static hum of emptiness

it's been near 3 days since our break up, and this has been the easiest one to process, but still so deeply difficult.
today i felt rage at the oxymoron he presented me. he loves me, loved me, but not enough to not let the relationship succumb to overwhelm. we're not together any longer, but i was permissed to kiss him. and maybe one day we will try again. no promises though...

absolute bullshit

ive been fixated on getting my sexual needs fulfilled, ive not been pleasured me for months. and perhaps it was all written in stone, but denial has become my skill of mastery

i masturbated, today was the first time in a long time without toys. i felt a satisfaction and released from whore ideations. i ate 3 rice cakes for dinner. soon after the newfound emptiness grew dense. despite all my rage, all the inner turmoil i endured, the obsession, the lustlessness, the quick but gradual deterioration, the fear of checking his unopened condom box, I miss him a lot. i wish i could tell him about my day. i wonder what he has been up to.

where obsession, rumination, and love had stayed in my brain, has been replaced with a single string of grief mantras. i am free, but I'm also chained by waking up to his image and falling asleep to his image. my brain will have to chew on it until it becomes flavorless. it will continue to chew until replacement.

yeah im blasting black metal through my head phones

yeah im blasting black metal through my head phones
yeah im blasting black metal through my head phones
yeah im blasting black metal through my head phones
yeah im blasting black metal through my head phones

all i need to be alive is grit. grit is the only optimism i have.

yearning is only as real as you let it be

i avoid what hurts me but i am still free

forever

i can be so much more intellectual. i can be so much smarter. i can be so much stronger. i can have so much more power. I can be toughter. i can be meaner. i can be more charistmatic. i can be more disciplined. i can be so much more beautiful. i can be so much more loveable. i can be so much more interesting. i can become irresistable.

pre-bedtime reflection on loss

the rage that kept me persevering is dulling out. where disappointment has stored as fuel in my belly has been replaced with longing. I dreamt about reaching out last night but I'm still afraid to do so
opening the platform where we used to talk makes my heart flip. i still can't entirely face the reality. I'm welcomed but deeply afraid of prolonging my yearning.
I've been finding peace in the quiet hours, but the emptiness in them feel full

waning

I am waiting for the pharmacy to open so I can redeem my prescriptions. Earlier this morning I realized I had a laundry list of life administrative tasks to handle that I had been avoiding. Not entirely sure for what. I think I might just be coping while not fully aware. I've been good at shutting out pain like that, I can forget things in a near-instant, even.

Daylight savings is hitting me fast, or rather the end of it. I am not sure what the opposite of DST is. Daylight spendings? That's aside the point, I left work and noticed the sky was a smoky pastel indigo. It feels kind of dreary. I'm realizing soon I will no longer be experiencing the sunlight, and I will be making peace with it all over again until warmth creeps back into the seasons.

I am so tempted to spend my winter alone, and to explore how excruciating my mind can get on a fixed routine of work, black metal tapes, and solitude. This year it will be Seasonal Affective and me. One year I went stir crazy, and contemplated morality. I am not a good person. These seasons can be so freeing in a way, but it will also come with the burden of becoming further flighty in the presence of others.

I'm encountering an inconsistency within myself. Last week in my rage, I was convinced of my loveliness, my beauty, and likeability. Today I've hit a mild bout of self-loating and shame. I am recalling my reaction during the breakup. I had previously told him he was welcome to leave (partially out of annoyance,) but when it ultimately got to it, I was defensive, needy, pitiable, and inconsistent to my previous invitation. Earlier, I felt urged to send a voice message to apologize for said inconsistency, and affirm that I've accepted and respect his decision. It feels somewhat futile and posthumous to do so. This year, I've come to feel that not all bridges are to be maintained or rebuilt. If there's no practicality to being the good guy, there is no point.

work downtime boredom post

i realy need to pee.

I've been really slacking on my calisthenics last few weeks or so, or rather, circumstance got in the way. I flipped my sleep schedule to diurnal on my birthday and that transition into and out of a daytime schedule took a lot out of me. And then on my second weekend, I get broken up with and a new viral infection that took me 2 weeks to fight off. Been still fighting it up til now. I tried doing some here and there, and rode my bike, but I just didn't have it in me for my full routine. Hoping I can get back to it this weekend. I might do something more intensive. Like 3 sets of split squats on top of it all. I need to curb my dysmorphia of the thighs. I'm convinced my obesity from 9 years ago irreperably damaged me.

I'm supposed to be studying for my driver's education exam but I am just very mentally tired and waiting out the last bit of this shift. Technically, I am making excuses, I can do a little bit of reading. But good lord. The more I type about this though, the guiltier I feel. The pressure of my microbiology course is also building. I have an assignment due in 9 days and I haven't even really done my reading at all so far. It's all so dense, and the module assigned for this swatch of time is insane. It demotivated me from the getgo,. Honestly, a doctor should prescribe me stimulants. I think that would be really nice.
For now, I think I will take a big fat caffeine pill and binge study on one of my days off. This entire shift I was pretty distracted and I had to really push through the stack of paprs. They all got done, though. I think my boss should give me a treat.

I stopped drinking my second dose of caffeine, kind of on a whim. I think the last few days I haven't been feeling the intense need to grind. It's funny how as an adult I have a mental handbook of diagnostics and prescriptions. Marijuana to alleviate bodily fatigue and aches. Caffeine to offset sleep deprivation or lack of concentration, naproxen is better than acetominophen for inflammation based pain such as menstrual cramps and concussions, and if I'm feeling particularly hardcore, I can dose them both. That's what I did with concussion specifically. I think this weekend I might treat my emotional constipation with a zesty dose of magic mushrooms. I haven't really cried as of late, and whenever I feel that physiological impulse arise, I autoswallow it. My brain processes the hardships of life as "it is what it is," but is it really? Will it be when I start aging prematurely?

aloneness, not loneliness

today i feel kind of a loneliness. ive got so good at being alive by escaping it all time. i am not really capable of that any longer
the only social interactions i feel currently capable of is either jezebelic, irritated, cynical, or woe-is-me'ing. i dont like this. i feel its unrefined in a way.

right now the only things ive been capable is keeping to myself, obsessing with dysmorphia, writing in my journal website

my emotional availability is at a low because im just tired as of late. on a new corticosteroid spray. head hurts.

theres something nice about keeping myself for myself at the moment. i feel lonely, i think thats pervasive but ive accepted a form of peace that i can only maintain at the moment. i've been running from my own solitude for 2 weeks and it is starting to feel like I am running from being alone with myself and my emotional challenges. I'm tempted for this weekend to be in hermitry. kind of like an emotional version of the clockwork orange eyedrop scene.

today I am still running. i've been smoking joints of 23% thc. too much scrolling. music

im not schizophrenic

i am not schizophrenic when i describe this. I am tryinng to be somewhat christian metaphysical about this.
i have identified a type of trait i slip into in the right conditions. i have never been promiscuous physically but i feel my sexual sin manifests into a jezebellian persona online. there is a parasocial aspect to it where it feels inconsequential or gamified. at the end of the day, there are real people behind the screen who don't have the same view. I think this is definitely a behaviour that is not born of a good entity. i do not show myself off physically in any way, but language and things i say are not graceful, and somewhat foul. i target to harass, entice, or garner orbiting

im tired of behaving classless because i enjoy attention harvesting. im getting too old. it feels kind of pathetic.
I think there is another demonic attachment on my spectral body. i am endlessly addicted to so many things, marijuana, social media, love. i think the primary issue is it being marijuana.
i've been on a full on relapse but no longer feel the same worry or passion. ive sort of given up on being so perfect at it. i know i'll get back up on my feet again, its just cyclical. i think at this point only something spiritual can help me

I have been thinking a lot lately, and rebuilding a future in my head. I learned a lot.

I am convinced I will have children. I will likely have a geriatric pregnancy, but it will be healthy. My son will be named Eugene. And this future holds an unknown man.

The man will know me, not assume or create me. He will arrive unplanned. He will compliment me in dedication and passion.
I think by then my inner universe has been fully cultivated, I've completed entire emotional and spiritual cell turnover. And he will still somehow fit in there.

By then, I've mastered that what leads me to seek domination and find it within myself. By then, I'm uninhibited, open, warm, erotic, strong, self-created.

By then, I can receive and realize love on a synaptic level. And because of this, I can fully surrender and be weak.

hummpday of the rotation

Sitting out in the sun beside starbucks before work. I got to the area where my work resides early. Transit has been terrible as of late and I have no strength in me to bear with it anymore. I am happy to be getting some sunshine in, it is a warm autumn day. Nice. I ordered the brown sugar shaken oat cold brew. Nice. Low calorie.

I did mushrooms on Sunday, my head was quite clear on Monday. I was content. It is an antidepressant of sorts. During the experience, specifically at the peak or on the comeup, I started to feel extremely sleepy and somewhat sick. Usually I feel super fevered when I do them, but I guess by avoiding caffeine and taking an ibuprofen(?) before has helped. I was in the park near my house while coming up, and just felt I couldn't really enjoy what was around me as I was just too in my head about physical discomfort.
I felt like I was overheating when I got to my room, so I ordered a shower. In this shower is where the introspection began. I felt intense rage, felt victimizedby the weight of the world. Felt it demanded so much from me. So much anger. But in this, I realized I can make demands back. I can demand peace, rest, and agency.

Not much else was new. I laid down on the shower floor and just let the water rain down on me. Had my legs bent at the knees and splayed open to feel release, felt the urge to cry, Cried for 4 seconds or so and stopped. I don't think I'm capable of crying any longer, not even on mushrooms. I hate ruminating on the breakup, as I think it's time to move on, but I haven't been able to properly cry since. I vowed to not get depressed, and keep pushing on with all my might. Since then, I just can't release any of it anymore. I've become stronger, perhaps, but I am afraid one day this insensitivity will manifest itself into a backache or something. Maybe I shouldn't worry about this that much.

hmmmmm.....

I've been on such a journaling/reflection kick as of late. This is sort of odd but I've been feeling more contemplative. The intellectual part of me had been replaced with preoccupation for the 10 months I was in a relationship. I am a limerent little creature.

I never again want to return to that state. I feel like it was robbing me of so much capabilities and reducing me to a childlike state.

Consulting with my telehealth right now to try and get a req form to get my ovaries checked out. I've been having cramps and acne during ovulation, and weirdly enough, I feel a nodule when pressing down on my pelvis. I hope they don't dismiss me and refer me to an irl doctor. I don't have time for that. I just want to get some imaging done.
I'm hoping this could segue appropriately into my reflections on sexuality as of late. The ovulation has been speaking.

I've been hankering for intimacy for a while now, but cannot stomach getting emotionally involved with someone, because in ways, I don't think I am geared for casual sex. Maybe I can be, but it would have to be very strict, there'd be no texting unless it was to coordinate plans. I feel this sort of business is high risk and high reward. I don't want to go through the mental process of laying myself bare, as I am somewhat repressed, only for the sex to be so extremely mediocre and parasitic. In ways, finding someone explicitly for sex would cut out a large part of my repressive tendencies, as we both would know the purpose of speaking to each other, there'd be no pretendplay or fear of judgment or power games. The hollow, means-to-an-end act with the risks of disease or procreation scares me, though.

I could get involved with a more free-spirited nonmonogamous person, because they'd be more accepting of my affinity that will inevitably grow. Knowing that I am not geared for polyamory myself would make the attachment feel somewhat more safe. In theory. In practice, I think most polyamorous people are ghoulish and too liberal. And I've become limerent for a girl once when we kissed at a party and it was the first time I've felt intense oxytocin from kissing, which had previously disgusted me in my longest-term heterosexual relationship. I think This may also result in disaster. The only option is monogamy and a passionate and comitted lover, someone I am just not ready for at this moment.

I just want to have stupid fetishtic loony tunes sex where I taunt and wrestle until I am subdued and corrected. It's all I want.

I am in ways tempted to attempt to ignore my fears regarding casual sex, make it a one time thing, and move on. I feel it would serve as a form of exposure therapy, a way to break through repression, a way to learn something on a metaphysical level, and quell my cravings for psychic exchange perhaps. In reality it could just be gross and awkward. The type of man capable of and/or inclined to casual sex more often than not activates a primal fear within me. He will be able to see my body, hear my pleasure, but will not be able to access my sense of eroticism. That I have buried and can only be preened by true and complete safety and surrender.

pwease say congrats

a few entries ago i was stressing about my course and mt driver's ed. I'm happy to announce i finished the theory portion of driving school and finished my first assignment and have been so diligently studyinf instead of leaving it for last minute. dear reader can u please give me a little treat ic I've been so good and lovely

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I've been practically obsessed with Scorpion Wind - Preserve Thy Loneliness, a song that from time to time has felt relevant

I have driving class coming up in about 2 hours, I feel like an absolute costume. On paper, I'm aware of all the laws and theory, in reality, I do not remember any of it. I am hoping that nothing second to intuition will be demanded of me.

I feel kind of empty today, I slept in, woke up with a longing i thought i put past me. I dreamt about him. I smoked too much yesterday, my body knows it. My chemical baseline is bringing itself back up. I spent most of the day doing nothing of importance. Tidying up my room again, searing a tuna steak, watching videos, stimulation, stimulation, chain smoking 2 joints, stimulation, ruminate becoming a whore, masturbate and get repulsed by the idea, get sleepy, masturbate again, make a tea to keep me stimmed so i can be awake enough for driving class, read a bit, reheat beef liver and eat it with some rice and kale, now here i am. I caught myself scrolling a bit too much, but i've been trying to be better. I did a bit of cross-stitch, I did a decent chunk. It seems to make the time fly by.

today was relaxing, i guess, but i feel like i am living like an animal.

im sorry for my dihonesty

im sorry if i ever lied to you sometimes i be lying. this website is teh most honest ive ever been, sorry. im insane im neurotic, im sorry. god

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i'm cross stitching and listening to psych rock. I had a realization that when i dumped all of my self-hatred on my ex during our breakup, i left it with him. a lot of it at least
lately i've just been wrestling with myself, i confront the shame of myself on a daily basis. I am starting to deeply resent the misery i've inflicted on myself, allowed inflicted on me. i want to kill the spiritual parasite that binds me. self-hatred is a demon. the day i draw its blood is near. i can view my existence as an abundance and everything that is just right.

an excerpt of my own

"2 cups of coffee, sleep deprivation, nonpoliticized biological gender euphoria, in hell from committing psychological warfare, terrified of myself, feel so powerful, feel so beautiful, feel in solitude and blisz, feel no longer like an exister-for-others"

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Obsession dominates my life, everything I do is at its root obsession. Obsession i can turn into discipline. obsession i can weaponize. i can rear an ugly obsessed head. i can make my obsession all consuming. my obsession becomes my duty. my obsession can consume me. my obsession can lead me. my obsession i can turn into something new. something grand. something amazing. something beautiful. something exhuberant. something to strike fear. something cherubian. something to protect and cultivate my garden, a paradise.

I sunk myself partially lower

I was watching a theosophical video on egregores and thoughtforms earlier, and something clicked, I've always known the definitions of these intuitively, but having them explained in somewhat of a layman's seminary way brought a realization on me.
I always feel like I create intense thoughtforms through my brooding, whenever I think with intense resentment, I feel I am sending a psychic drone strike on the subject. Exploding them into shrapnel with an intense mist of dark energy. I feel like I can never turn this function off. This feeling has been the root of my neurosis towards interpersonal relationships. I feel I ooze primal fear, primal avoidance, primal limerence, primal obsession, subliminal bites, psychic code injection almost. I've never felt pleasant to be around, unless you're oblivious, or recognize a shared black hole generator.

How longg must this go on

Clocked in again. It's my downtime. I got two or three hours of shiftage left. I've been feeling the intense desire to write something beautiful, but I am struggling with finding the creativity. There's a lot of feelings and pretty words I want to talk about. I've been having the desire to create a lot, but unable to even get to step 1 about it. Writing on this virtual journal is some microform of it. I guess.
I should be studying for my microbiology quiz, it's meant to be closed book, but technically it's open book as the instructor isn't too sphinctal about it. I still want to study though, I've been on a mission to be a very good student, on paper and off-paper.
My motivation is slowing down a little, I'm missing the fuel I had when I was working on pure will and might, and the masculine. I'm catching myself xeeting instead of doing a hobby, or studying. And it feels somewhat more justifiable on shift, when I do this on my days off, I feel guilted into action. On shift, I feel a bit learnedly helpless.

I've been reading The Bell Jar, its set in the 50s, yet the issues that it presents have been so modern. Things never change, I guess. I like the part where Esther considers letting the slav seduce her to cope with her courtship boyfriend turning out to be less virtuous than previously thought and full of negs. Me too, girl, me too...
The whore ideation never went away, it persisted through my period, even. It's the late 20s finally catching up with me. Only, the issue I have now been encountering is that there is emotional desire caught up in it somewhat. I do desire the sense of adventure meeting someone new brings, the spontaneity, the chemistry. I just could really do without the obsession, the self-degratory devotion. I'm not sure if these can be mutually exclusive no longer.

I don't think I'm ready to open myself up like this again, anyway. I'm still wrestling with resentment over my previous relationship.

I've been so in heat, I mentally mapped out what a one night stand would be like. I am not sure if I can do it. I thought about kissing someone. The thought is foul. I'm repulsed by the prospect of kissing someone who isn't my ex. I find kissing an acquired taste, it takes a few to get me hooked on the person, unless I'm drunk and tuned into my homosexuality. Kissing seems like such a norm, and I can't bring myself to enact this norm. It somehow is so much easier to directly interact with the genitals, stranger or not. But kissing, despite being so expected, seems so passionate. I think it's my oral fixation.

I hate having reached out to my ex with a somewhat intentionally lazy response, it carried double meanings. One being disillusioned with social media, one being disillusioned with my experience. Only the former was true, but the latter was meant to knife at him a little. To reawaken the guilt of dumping me. My resentment is so real and I hate it. It has been sickening. I don't even want to resent him like this, because ultimately, I'm the only person that will drown in it.

Sending that message made me feel ugly in the soul. And I'm paying for it by becoming re-preoccupied with him in my head. I feel a bit idiotic for undoing a bit of my processing and getting-over.

There's a lot I've been thinking about regarding him, but I am running out of energy to touch on it. Mainly, I've been wanting to spill every resentment in a letter to him, and then to cut all ties. I'm noticing a pattern because that was also what I wanted to do with a previous ex. I never ended up doing it, because it is doing too much. And I suspect the same thing applies here. I feel like it would be akin to smearing shit on the wall, hoping it would terrorize onlookers, but ultimately I would be the shit-smearing retard. He offered to stay friends, and I guess we technically are, but I just don't think it's socially appropriate to talk it through with him. It's a level of emotional intimacy that is no lon- [10/04/2025 9:14AM: good lord, i got a call at work and cue the most frazzling last hour or so of my shift. My mood has been terrible since then up til now. I am happy I can write in my journal though. that is nice. I am going to light some palo santo. I really need a cleanse, I want to finish my sentencce] -ger appropriate nor available to me. At this point, "crashing out," as the zoomers call it, may be my only option, other than the rational ghosting. I don't know. Resentment is poison. The relationship died spiritually before it did officially, and I'm upset I put up with it, and in a sense, never received a single apology. Only I-shouldn't-haves. I'm upset I was neglected. I'm upset the romance came after the end in a form of a breakup blues care package. I haven't looked at the plush since, debated ways to burn it without alerting neighbours or local bylaw. But the only person to blame is myself, for hating myself too much and not trusting my intuition. And for my grief-aversion.

Our only communication is him sending me short-form videos, but I can't reciprocate, I've been careful to avoid short-form, and they don't interest me. I have nothing to send back, and I've been holding off on indulging in catch-up. I just don't have the appetite to associate with him, and yet I'm still somewhat desiring of him in subtle ways. I've been occasionally remmebering the positives, and they do sting. Nothing a new lover can't make me forget, but that's a conquest I don't have bandwith for. Frankly, there's an awakening I feel I can only find in silence and in my own presence.

I feel my age close in on me and I have been afraid. I so desire a family and I wonder if I can ever have this. I desire offspring more than I do someone who loves my every cell, but that would be nice too. I guess I do want that, too. I am afraid I am running out of time. Realistically, I have some, but I hope some is enough. And never again, do I ever want my intellectual capacity suppressed by love sickness. I am afraid I can't feel passion and devotion without it. I am afraid of ever again being reduced into something childish and fiendish.

speak of the devil

speak of the fucking devil

all i can do is do nothing

I'm kind of sick today. i've not done much at all. im incapable of dialogue. im tired.

I was a bit oral fixative today, smoked so much, chewing so much gum. im through half a pack of the gums.

oink oink

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