PUKRZ ZONE

the blog of disconnection

i have not touched this page in almost a year. I am rather non-committal with any other project other than my visual art. my paintings.. unfortunate.... i studied css in college... havent touched it since. i hope i can make this page into something whenever i feel like it... make this a vertical blog, divs separating blogpost... keep it simplistic as if its a diary... a rather ugly html concoction. i wrote this in an aside tag, then deleted the aside.

it has been a year+

i have 7 days to memorise an entire textbook for my exam. im not worried because i am currently at an A and i need at least 6% to pass the class with 75%. lolll... increased the course load next semester to 3 classes.... so i will have to be studious.

im a bit of a perfectionist so I'd like to maintain a high grade.... so im stressed by the prospect of cramming regardless of passing swimmingly

i set the bar high for myself and one day it wont be realistic anymore

good desember

i did my exam today and i passed. i was in denial because sometimes im convinced i dont know shit. i have a retard complex

anyway.... i drank an apple cider. i'm tired because i've been cramming and fighting off the plague. andrenal fatigue <3

persona melting

i cant really mask at work anymore, lost my professionalism because i dont feel real behind the cubicle. lost any fuchs to give because it feels rather meaningless and thankless work... its just padding inbetween the manifestation of my greatness... in 4 years

the alcohol last week dehydrated me because i became sick with some sort of respitory infection... i am now beating it. I suspect my immune system can no longer hold up anymore after contracting the ch1n4 f1u 2-4 times.

i become a child when im sick, but i have no mom to tuck me in anymore. im 25. ive become my own mother. i cried in the shower in a rather hideous way. the pouring water served as matriarchal [redacted 09/16/2024] hands. im slowly getting better, this bout of illness let up without antibiotics. i was sick the entirety of last year and did not allow to let myself recover...

i hate december and all things 12th month of the year

i feel a little crazier around this time of year. and Im actively trying to maintain my life. i feel like i sometimes need to sacrifice my energy for cooking to give to studying. i don't think this post will be very coherent because this is my space not to be coherent lol :)

i have been confronting the evils of the school system lately and what kind of massive gaslight the entire thing is

you get kinda treated retarded, however, I don't think I am extremely retarded. I think I may just have to learn differently and the curriculum is very one-size fits all. I don't think i've struggled with language because my writing style outside of my blog and personal messages are very proficient. I speak 3 languages, 2 moreso. My areas of struggle have been math and sciences.

im going to funeral school in part because I am trying to beat the retard allegations and make the most optimized and functional life. I have to make it an autistically inclined mission. i am teaching myself being a student from scratch because no adult has taught me how genuinely.

i'm an adult

i'm an adult. i'm an adult.

i can run a whole self-sustainability psyop on myself. i can also run the pious psyop or traditional christian psyop on myself. the true thing i want is a beautiful life with abundance in family, and a life with rewarding work. But i also want one with peace, one without cortisol poisoning of the blood

two part blogpost. many thoughts

here are my many thoughts

my space

vulnerability

today was my last therapy session.

...

it is very scary. i realized only now i am starting to be convinced i am genuinely appreciated and i guess loved. It feels like a naked state to be in because I've lived in a mode where i would either have to earn my loveability or be adapted to learning to be the sole person to love me. im getting over the feeling of dignity loss for having feelings.

I wasn't gonna let myself get clowned again

im happy my course at therapy has ended, because in ways i started being convinced that she would think im crazy if i were to speak about my feelings more in depth. its a projection of inner attitudes toward myself, and I don't think process can be made any further. I am happy i went though. i feel like i can express my feelings most comfortably with family at this point

i went to therapy for boundary issues and i dont think i will ever be adept at setting them. at least it helped me be more conscious of the concept. ultimately, i want to find people who i, at most, have to set minimal boundaries with. And to only entrust myself with someone who will protect me from having to set them around them. and i think i found tha t person in the form of my boyfriend. someone trustable

happy new 2025

holy fuc

nigga im nuts

i have been so obsessed with the idea of purging and getting rid of things. I want to get rid of useless stuff that i dont need and stress me out. like my extra pillows and anime stuff. i stopped caring about weeaboo shit and i feel like it still haunts me for it is stuff thats takng up space.

i've been wanting to get rid of certain social medias or accounts or online friends because i reached a level of exhaustion. on some level being friends with men online feels like a chore and an emotional fidelity hazard. It is so because I feel 95% of the men have some sort of subconscious motive towards women. Its inherent and it feels undesirable to be around if I am being supplemented with this from my boyfriend. part of me has always been somewhat of a lifestyle sex segregationist. i think the gerard incident i experienced when i was a awkward fat psuedo-ftm teenager probably shaped me to think like this

right now i just want rhe only man to be demanding my attention is my beloved moid. i dont know if thjats unhealthy

it probably is but i think changing these views dont serve me any real pupose. i desire a life where majority of my friendships are with women. i sometimes wish the simplicity of remaining anonymous still existed, but I've nade sonme wonderful friends online. For some of them, these feelings override attachment, and i do feel sorry about that in a way. Ultimately, online frinedships will always be somewhat parasocial, and to a certain extent, they are more disposable

im just kind of a hateful wench.

i think the curse of mankind is one of the best black metal albums. it's filled with sometimes heavy riffs but also beautiful melodies. I am not really a wordsmith in my reviews but it is genuinely a solid staple within my mental black metal catalog. every song is beautiful. theres some really nice drumming in there too

im wrong

feelin kinda yuck. i think my antibiotics and caffeine pill are committing severe terror on my gut lining right now.

i think my last post was interesting and in many ways wrong. i went out to see Nosferatu with my boygroid <3 and we had some chicken wings beforehand. It has come to my attention he has a lot of female friends, he is a very social guy. When he was telling me about a particular friend and the fact he will hang with her on Saturday, I had to do some processing.

jealous people and those who are distrustful of their partner are unpalatable to me, and in ways, I am distrustful. I felt something averse because I was confronting the feelings mentioned in last entry, initially this arose as a suspicion about his positive standing with other women. I am nuts for wanting to throw out friendships because of my perceptions of sex dynamics. I think the men I talk to have good characters and can think outside of their penis, like my man can. And I'm dealing with a lot of projection about this

nuance can exist.

i think part of why i am coping so hard about any of this is because some of my male friends expressed interest in me, either covertly or overtly. The covert ones has always sworn it's not like that, and I make sure he knows how obsessed I am with my man. The overt one I rejected due to "i can't vulnerability" but the true reason is that I just didn't feel that bond. Because I am capable of vulnerability turns out. But Now i sort of feel evil and dont know how to bring up my boyfriend to him. I guess I hate hurting feelings, and the potential to do so sews a lot of fear within me. Instead of being mature and initiating conversation about this and re-establishing the friendship in a way, I am swearing off majority of my online male friends. This is true cowardice, and in ways an escape from enacting fidelity. Also, caring too much about their feelings like this is a "fidelity hazard" in its own way. In reality, I should be brandishing my boyfriend in conversation. I just can't keep on choosing avoidance

I am just reinforcing my avoidance with misandry and somewhat of an intense sex dynamic ideology.

I think i have to take responsibility for my social life

my new semester started and I am doing a physiology course. it is just an anatomy terminology course, studying for this is hellish because i think everything is important. i need to get to reading the entire proverbs 31 and writing my analysis. I need to continue my pamphlet project that I intended to be a christmas gift for my boyfriend. it will likey be his birthday gift now. i keep on settingn the standards higher. I wanted it to be a cookbook (or a bakebook) but as i realized how pre-passionate he is about his baking, i feel like the recipes i can provide will not be groundbreaking or useful. I need to set this aside though, because I think the dedication of illustrating and writing a recipe book is a gift in itself.

ok

i overthink a lot. everything is a big deal when it probably isn't. it will be the end of me if I don't ascend.

i feel withdrawn from people and things in general.

i've been enjoying writing on my blog and listening to music and studying?!?, thinking about protestantism, watching a lot of youtube slop like video essays about fat women with bad personalities and true crime. but ive been feeling kind of fed up with this constant stream of unsettling content, because my career revolves around death and bodily morbidity, and people. how constant should i be thinking about death and people. i've been creating and i guess that has been my refuge and my fundamental basis on coping with destruction. i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess! i guess!

i had a dream i went to africa and bargained for goods with locals. they were all not very dark. the country was called zgelba ngobo. the ganges river ran through it and it doesnt make a lot of sense. i went shopping there

my lips are so dry and burts bees is the only one chapstick that remotely helps. i've been licking/biting my lip skin and tis not good.

i think lust is a genuine demon i'm prone to battling (not related to my lip biting) and i am tired of being in a culture where this phenomenon cannot be genuinely recognized as problematic (i dislike the buzzwordiness of "problematic," but my point is understood.) i think it is good to practice sexual restraint and not make it a false idol. i think i want to be less lustful because i think that it will strengthen the friendship aspect within my romantic relationship. i genuinely get irritated when i don't meet some biology-set hanky panky quota, but i think thats kinda silly. i just like being around my male, and i need 2 stop being a bit of a mental gooner. lmao

fuck my retarded femoid life

its lascowiec and being a corpse nght. im so extremely tired and likely not pleasurable to talk to via text. all i can muster is making my internal dialogue the topic

i hate talking about christianity in relation to women to people because they go on diatribes about how women who were promiscuous but then following christ are demonic. i think this is contrary to the message of jesus. i was never promiscuous in body count but i have been in th soul.

god loves whores when they repent. i have compassion for women who turn to christ and repent from sin

i was gonna have a friend over and she forgot. i got really annoyed with trying to coordinate plans and blamed canadians. is it xenophobia to discriminate against your host country? #truehollandpatriot

im on a bunch of caffeine and a bit of weed. ive been thinking about brain health and dopamine lately. i started decreasing what i smoke in potency because i want to stop roasting my brain. i am going without next month, and avoiding ahnging out with people who tempt me indirecly with their smoking. social media has started feeling increasingly like a psychic soggy sock as well. i think im gonna spend my time crossstiching and watching some bideos

i'm exhausted today. i guess. i finished my antibiotics today at least. im gonna go hermit mode for the day. or night. i am nocturnal. sometimes i wonder if my QOL would be higher if i had a daytime schedule.
my body has been upset and mind has been distressed by waking up at 3 pm and still needing 3 hours of sleep to go. dramatic i guess but i feel like raw chicken

i think i am a very anxious girl. i sometimes get scared about scaring off my beloved with my internal dialogue rants. to some extent, it's negative self-talk because perhaps i just hate my inner voice, and i shouldn't. i think i am an abandonment fearer and extremely aware of it, and it is the reflection of my negative self-talk

the tear garden - the last man to fly

i just got done listening to this album for the ?th time and it never stops to be amazing and beautiful in many parts. thats all i wanted to say about this album, really. I just really like it

i am now listening to their song Ascension Day and i think this is a band i should invest more listening in. i smoked a 19% thc and i'm still kinda very high. ive just been sitting in my chair playing balatro while my skin sloughs off.

i will dabble in total sobriety (except caffeine) starting the day after tomorrow. ive decided on this some time now but the day is coming soon. i have been dabbling in courage latelyy. it feels kinda good, i am feeling more grown up. i turn 27 this year. the issues in my january 9th entry is no longer issue, and i solved it with courage. i have been thinking deeply on how i speak when i approach conversations not from an angle of fear, anxiety, and insecurity but one of self-assuredness and more carelessness, in a way. i realize you cant control how people react, and i can start willing myself to think of this as something liberating

i'm willing to lose friends or approval if im doing the rigjt thing.

when the brain hurts

i abtstained for a month, broke my weed fast yesterday. didn't get too much sleep. i'm very tired. today i was unable to mask as much and i'm sure i was pleasant

i'm doing lent.
i hung w my male today and i feel like i was meaner and testier. its suboncious. i don't intend my jokes mean spirited but maybe its some protective mechanism. i think i am anxious and overthinking but im hyperalert about whether im using old behaviours i had to in my last partnership.

i am just very hormonal right now

im gonna stop subjecting people to my internal melodrama so this blog is for that i guess

i legitimately am becoming increasingly self-absorbed nowadays. its like a lot of self-hatred switched off but along what went with it my will to deal with people anymore. I've built a mindset of "friend duty" but i am tired.

i like looking at myself a lot nowadays and partially because i spent a lot of time hating myself. something clicked in my head recently and i look in the mirror with admiration. i am very beautiful, objectively have a good facial structure. i also spent most of my time hurling hatred at my old self instead of recognizing this. i think awful things about past self and i am starting to think i am actively givingh myself psychic damage by continuing it. I still look old incarnations of myself and still deeply despise her, but thats instinctual and learnt.
i had a realization the other day that i think of myself around my boyfriend as annoying, because he is about the only person i am completely unmasked around. when i was this during the more formative teenage years, and a little before, i was often namecalled for this. or genuinely told not to act like that. i was often ocstracized from social groups in settings where the task was to make new friends. i think this hatred for myself was the hatred i heard from my peers when i was young.
i kind of hate my past self that had a higher bmi because for a very long time i felt like my likeability hinged on my beauty, and in ways i still kind of believe that. i am terrified of getting fat. if i were to become fat again, i wouldn't think good things about myself. the only positive traits i assign to myself at the moment are somewhat superficial. thats a start at least

i've been trying to expand on my friendship duty bit now for like 10 minutes on my shitty little bluetooth keyboardd connected to my shitty little samsung tablet. it's 8AM now, or it was, I've been fiddling with it for 10 minutes

honest to god if i were a book character, I would be insufferable to read sometimes i feel. i feel like a friend has recently checked out of my life because of this, because I genuinely felt comfortable to unmask around her. But i feel like i am quite unlikeable when i do. but my flaws stick out to me like a sore thumb, maybe she has good memories of me. maybe she hasn't reached out in a while because she is focused on her own life. but I don't know, i've subjected her to my brooding, my limerent ruminations, reared my ugly reactionary head in front of her. I miss her because i feel like she was one of the few people i;ve connected with, and a few people i don't withhold aspects of my personality from.
i've built a concept pf "friendship duty" a few years agp, where its my duty to regularly hang out with them [my less immediate friends]. but I have burnt out from them, partially because i might truly just not even like them that much. it's tiring to have to travel to see them. So much energy expediture only to withhold personality traits from them, or to entertain conversation that does not really stimulate me. i'm honestly really fake, and becoming burnt out from it. the only people i feel like i have remotely a duty to is my bestie, my boyfriend, and one other friend who has a playful and youthful demeanor.

recently, a friend has been reaching out to me and i'm just increasingly realizing i kind of despise her. she has made her own life difficult, and i can't find any sympathy. the last time i showed it, she wouldn't takw me up on an offer to let me cook a meal for her at my house, even though she was struggling and living at a women's shelter. Her reason? I live too far away. But she is expecting me to take an 1.5 hour bus ride to help her move to a new apartment. Her shitty boyfriend who impregnated her twice seems to be doing fuck all, and i'm sure she's probably moving to leave him. good for her, but i'm genuinely not feeling capable of being the village to raise her child and her fetus. She's kind of extremely tiring to be around. Never stops talking, and we're entirely dfferent people. I think i've come to dislike her so much because I can't keep it up anymore. i genuinely get so annoyed when she asks me to help her.

i'm honestly so bitter and nasty. i feel like i am increasingly self-absorbed and narcissistic, and unmasked friendships would heal me, but i feel a growing desire towards lonerdom. but this will only exacerbate my self-absorption and narcissism. I'm simultaneously so beautiful and interesting, but also the most caustic and insufferable person alive. And It's not a me that i'm proud to share with the world, but i'm sick of hiding aspects of myself.

contemplation deserving of a separate post

i think the allure of authoritarianism and fascism to me has been a reflection of my own self-villainisation. I've always felt wicked and like a bad person. To have it reflected in a system, propaganda, a set of morals, a set of idealism, a worship of becoming something greater and more pure, and a free expression of negativity and antiism is cathartic.
it's a self-flaggelation and ideological sadomasochism that regulates me. ultimately, it isn't authentic but i brand myself to it. misery attracts the miserable

jfmsu

i dont even know what to say

theres no greater cosmic horror than being alive right now

To feel some heartbreak suspended in ambiguity. Once again I am met with a new self-sacrifice, to be broken and remolded.

Sacrifice is only noble if there is something to gain, I don't know if I am with someone who would do the same. I don't know if I'm actually loved. The man I thought I knew doesn't really exist at the moment, and there is something deeply terrifying about this.

I am grieving as if it died, because my certainty and perception of him did.

it all is truly horrid

I have been listening to nothing but the same Death in June album over and over. Listening to the same song and monologueing on the internet about neefolk albums is the only thing keeping me tethered to this world, i think otherwise i would get lost in a soup of grief

Nothing about the care and affection, and the minimum of the commitment he shows me feels authentic anymore. What i am shown just feels like a consolation attempt, like buying a lollipop for an abandoned baby. An extra portion on the plate for the slave that had just been whipped